Mind Games

Oh how the enemy uses "mind games" to deceive us! That is how it has been with me these past few weeks! My stomach has been in knots for a number of reasons and so when I am down physically...and mentally, it takes every bit of energy to read God's Word...so I don't get down spiritually. Thank you Jesus for drawing me to read Your Word daily. Last evening on the spur of the moment I drove to ____ and brought a flower arrangement. (On the way I listened to Jack Grahame on my IPhone as he preached about humility...how timely) As I sat in the driveway I begged God for forgiveness from Him and for the one I hurt....not knowing how I would be received. Well...I was welcomed with open arms from ___and the whole family...AND invited to go to church with them for Maundy Thursday. What a blessing it was to be forgiven (I asked) and to hear "there was no hard feelings" and that "I never gave it a 2nd thought". So you see what I mean about the "Mind Games"? To be invited in and be loved on for another 2 hours or more was icing on the cake. Lord I can't praise you enough for showing me You do hear and answer prayer!

Holy Week...Don't Waste My Brokeness

Someone once said "Don't waste your brokenness" when you are hurt or going through pain. Thinking back years ago when someone I admired and looked up to hurt me....I was so crushed.
However, that is when the Spirit of God was so real to me as I read Psalm 147:3-5. Well, this week has been actually more heart breaking than back then. Last evening I was monitoring (for the Journey to the Cross) the room with the "veil" torn from top to bottom. Matthew 27:50 "Jesus cried out again with a loud voice and yielded up the ghost. And behold the veil of the temple was torn in two from the top to the bottom and the earth quaked and the rocks were split....." As I sat there thinking on how Jesus must have felt. His Father turned His back on Him. Is that how ____ felt when I so abruptly called to cancel Easter dinner. Why do I say/do things so abruptly? Could it be that I get frustrated because of no returned calls, emails and texts? Calling to ask if I can come to be a help and the answer is "no" ( so many times )? Lord, you were my focus last evening for two hours as I thought of how the veil was torn from top to bottom allowing us to come to You personally to pray and ask for forgiveness and comfort. Lord I ask again for your healing of my heart and of the one I have hurt. Thinking of the song "I'm forgiven...because You were forsaken" as I feel forsaken. Help me Lord not to waste my brokenness.

Duh...I finally got it!

Well....it's about 3:00 am April 2, 2012......and I woke up with the thought of a conversation in 2009....between_____ and myself. "I said..."I told him that all husbands and wives fuss sometimes...and it is normal". Well....that was when things started changing....(not for the good)...at least from my perspective. I'm sure there were other things too....because life is full of disappointments. I'm always amazed how the enemy (s) will get right smack dab in the middle of a family and try to destroy it. One thing GG never did was divulge a private conversation when the girls would go across the field. And I never asked her to. Oh, I still have so much to learn....but time is running out. Lord please help us repair this relationship. I have forgiven the one who has hurt me ...... I pray that I am forgiven too.

Name Your Sadness by Nadia Persun, Ph.D.

This was sent to me from Dianne after our conversation yesterday, regarding "Stress".
Yes, I wept....not just because of stress..ie Easter, Vacation, Moving.....but because I feel disconnected from someone whom I love very much. Whatever this "thing" is that separates us I do not know. Just can't seem to get on the same page. I am thinking: Guard up...both. Heart broken...both. Walking on eggs....both. Text...? FB.....? Email....?
So I will lay off... lay low....and run to Jesus.
Also, I will destroy ....my intimate prayer journals. I'm not out to hurt anyone...but I also need to not
allow myself to lay down and be hurt. I need to make Jesus, my Lord and not my children. (Not that they want to be). I also need to remember that "Control" is the enemy....whether it's me trying to control or someone trying to control me. Now to re-read this email from Di.

Did you know that Jesus wept? Christ showed emotion throughout his life on Earth as a mortal man. As the Creator of life and the Savior of mankind, He left us His stories. His narratives deliver descriptions of the accounts of His life, telling us his thoughts and feelings. To be a man is to have strong values and convictions, to seek the truth and stand by it. To be alive is to have feelings and passions. In one's pursuit of humanity and integrity, feelings become an internal compass leading us toward the truth and warning us against evils.

Life has its thrills and chills. We get excited and elated, disappointed and angry, surprised and terrified. How dull our lives would be if there was never the joy of love or the sorrow of loss, but only a mechanized tedium of everyday existence. We would not experience the magic of laughter, elation from feeling loved, or blessing from being forgiven.

Scientists have discovered that our brains are stimulated in the amygdalae, a neuronal bundle located deep within the medial temporal lobes. This is where the cues from the strong emotions from the past get stored and then are triggered and reactivated by current events. The amygdalae is involved in the storage of memories associated with emotional events, especially with strong emotions such as desire, love, safety, anger, and fear. Why did God give us such complex organs related to emotions? To feel alive, genuine, and connected. To sense when our lives are out of balance with God, self, and people. He made us emotional so that we know when it is "a time to weep, and a time to laugh" (Salomon in the book of Ecclesiastes).

When God created this amazing world, the angels "shouted for joy" (James 2:8). When Jesus looked at its brokenness and the frailty of people, he quietly wept. Countless places in Scripture refer to strong and subtle emotions, of constructive and destructive nature, telling us that feelings are Godly, natural, and necessary. We need to hone our emotional skills to be genuine and feel connected. Unfortunately, many people try to tune out and disown their feelings. Some numb their internal pain by developing addictions: drugs and alcohol, food, sex, internet and video games, gambling and overspending, or workaholism. Others become rigid and perfectionistic, excessively controlling their diets, daily routines, or the lives of others. Avoidance, denial, and cheating can't heal. Ego enhanced by steroids and buffered by lies only increases the sense of dullness in your heart. Internal emptiness is the price for not listening to your feelings. When bodies turn into haunted houses of unsettled emotions, people develop fears, obsessions and anxieties, and become depressed.

Some people become spoiled, wanting to pick their emotions from a life menu "a la carte;" order joy, surprise, and happiness and refuse the taste of anger, sadness, and confusion. This does not work. God wants us to experience both joy and sorrow, just like He did. When we feel internal pain and discomfort, He is trying to tell us something important: "You are broken and hurting for a reason. Your pain has a message. Do something different to heal and get better."

One of the main tasks in life is having a sense of purpose, to accomplish things that have genuine meaning to self and others. Another major task is loving and being loved, having a sense of closeness to others and the Lord. People often suffer from physical and mental health illness, feel pained and unable to concentrate, become isolated, void of pleasure and the feeling of joy, as a result of failing to fulfill these Godly tasks of meaning and connectedness. The pain is their call to action, to transform their impoverished lives to gain ingenuity, balance, and love. Albeit the displeasure, the discomfort is good, signaling the misbalance and need for internal repair. One needs to welcome the pain, have the strength and courage not to run from it but to recognize, feel, and try to understand it. What is your discomfort trying to tell you? What are the colors of your pain? What is the name of your sadness?

It takes courage to acknowledge our frailty, wisdom and patience to understand its origin, and strength to tolerate the discomfort from feeling the internal void, hunger, and confusion. Do not underestimate the power of support and counsel during this difficult journey: "Blessed are those who mourn. For they shall be comforted" (Matt 5:4). Talk to a pastor, a counselor, a friend. Pray, cry, journal, and use other means of internal release. Whatever you do, do not put on a show. Be frank in feeling your dark mood. Tolerate your unadulterated sadness in the process of searching for the meaning on the path toward internal healing and spiritual and personal growth.

Queasy...queasy..what's up with that?

Sometimes I wonder about queasy! Not exactly a knot in my stomach, but just a queasy feeling. It can and does happen in the middle of the night....and then the next morning. Maybe it's when I get upset about something that I am not even aware of...but my stomach knows. I think love or rather my perception of the lack of it....probably is the reason. Get a grip Mary Ann... #1. Jesus loves you and proved His love by dying and suffering for you. 2. He has sent the Holy Spirit to indwell you for comfort, assuring you of God's unfailing love. 3. He is your All in All....and has given you the Fruit of the Spirit. 4. He wants your focus to be on Jesus as you read His Word and surrender to His control. 5. He is your "Burden Bearer" as you pray and give Him all your concerns about your family. Only He can draw people to Himself.
Well....it seems my queasiness has abated as I have given all my concerns to Jesus...my best Friend and the "Lover of my soul". Thank you Jesus.

Spirit Rising by Jim Cymbala

"The prophet Nehemiah said, "The joy of the Lord is (our) strength" (Neh. 8:10) We require that joy for survival. We will never stand victoriously against Satan's daily assaults if our souls are filled with anger and resentment. (Taken from Jim Cymbala's new book Spirit Rising....foreword by Francis Chan)
His point here..."But let's remember how vitally important joy is to our spiritual growth" (Phil. 1:25) "Paul linked our progress and growth in the faith with the joy that increases as we mature in Christ. Faith grows best in the soil of a heart that rejoices in Jesus despite what's going on around it."
So grateful to be reading this right now. Listening to talk shows on the radio, watching TV news, and reading blogs all affect me in one way or the other. Not all is bad, but most is negative and I think about what I have heard throughout the day and then I repeat what I have heard and it's mostly negative!!! Yikes...Lord please forgive me for my bad attitude and critical and complaining spirit. Thank You for the reminder that "The joy of the Lord is my strength". Jesus first, others second and myself last. I love you Lord!

Psalm 131:2

"To wait is to learn the spiritual grace of detachment, the freedom of desire. Not the absence of desire, but desire at rest."

"St. John of the Cross lamented that 'the desires weary and fatigue the soul; for they are like restless and discontented children, who are ever demanding this or that from their mother, and are never contented.'"

"Detachment is coming to the place where those demanding children are at peace. As King David said,

I have stilled and quieted my soul,
like a weaned child with its mother,
like a weaned child is my soul within me. (Psalm 131:2)

"Such a beautiful picture, a young one leaning against her mother's breast, There is no fussing, no insistent tears. She has learned to wait."

-John Eldredge (The Journey of Desire)

D.Frahm's FB-Journey of Desire-John Eldredge

"Life is loss and I must grieve regularly, so as to give up trying to possess. I will not arrive in the golden place until I am home with God."

"The paradox of grief is that it is healing; it somehow restores our souls, when all the while we thought it would leave us in despair. Control is the enemy; grief is our friend...Grief is good. It is cleansing. It undoes my world--and that is the best part of it. I need to be undone; simply undone. No regrouping. We need to mourn; it is the only way our hearts can remain both free and alive in this world. Why? Because it, like nothing else, puts a stop to the constant striving."

"I believe we must add two spiritual disciplines to everyday life. The first is worship. We must adore God deliberately, regularly. The other is grief. We must allow time for sorrow to do our own personal sowing. I see no other way to care for our hearts."

'Those who sow in tears
will reap with songs of joy.
He who goes out weeping,
carrying seed to sow,
will return with songs of joy,
carrying sheaves with him.
(Psalm 126:5,6)

-Eldredge

Wow....this is just what I need to hear right now. "Control is the enemy" (whether it's me trying to control or someone else trying to control me)!! "And so I am grieving....Lord help me!

grief is our friend...Grief is good. It is cleansing. It undoes my world--and that is the best part of it. I need to be undone; simply undone. No regrouping. We need to mourn; it is the only way our hearts can remain both free and alive in this world. Why? Because it, like nothing else, puts a stop to the constant striving."